It's unfair.

Why does she get to be perfectly and blissfully happy with everything and I feel miserable about the most inconsequential stuff?

I found out recently that she's pregnant - almost two months along. I found out on a really bad night when Ben had to watch me to make sure I didn't do anything, and it made me want to die. After I reflected on it for a few days, I realized that I hope she loses it. That's horrendous to say and I hate that I'm like this, but when it comes to her, I want her to know the misery I've lived with all my life.

I just don't understand what she's done to deserve happiness and what I've done to deserve depression.

I made an appointment with Health Services to see a doctor about my medicine. I wish I could have seen someone this week but they didn't have any open appointments, so I'll have to wait until next Tuesday. Still, at least I'm making the effort. I know for sure now that my Prozac is not working. Even double doses of it don't make a difference. I still get upset over something small every day and today I just want to lay down and die.

It's so easy to trigger these emotions.

This time, I think the trigger was Ben. He didn't do anything - rather, I did something that made him act a certain way, which in return has made me sad and insecure. I'm basically worried that he's mad at me because I didn't sleep over last night like I said I would.

And now he won't answer my texts.

I know it's silly to think he's doing that on purpose. He's at work. He's probably just busy. But my brain is making it up into a situation where he's avoiding me.

I hope he's not mad. We're going to Massachusetts this weekend. I don't want my one decision to ruin our trip. A small decision like that shouldn't even bring about this much pain.

Ugh. I want to quit life.