Fuck you, Obamacare.

Medical bills are some bullshit. Just saying.

I dreamed I couldn't stop a bomb.

I've been having wild nightmares lately about war and death and being ignored. I hit up a dream dictionary (even though it's probably crap) to see what I could find out. The summation of all that I read is that I am at war with some part of myself and my anger has been out of control, but I am ignoring these two factors in my life.

I'm supposed to see the psychiatrist next week. I'll have to ask her if this is a side effect of my medicine or if I'm actually trying to tell myself something.

It's unfair.

Why does she get to be perfectly and blissfully happy with everything and I feel miserable about the most inconsequential stuff?

I found out recently that she's pregnant - almost two months along. I found out on a really bad night when Ben had to watch me to make sure I didn't do anything, and it made me want to die. After I reflected on it for a few days, I realized that I hope she loses it. That's horrendous to say and I hate that I'm like this, but when it comes to her, I want her to know the misery I've lived with all my life.

I just don't understand what she's done to deserve happiness and what I've done to deserve depression.

I made an appointment with Health Services to see a doctor about my medicine. I wish I could have seen someone this week but they didn't have any open appointments, so I'll have to wait until next Tuesday. Still, at least I'm making the effort. I know for sure now that my Prozac is not working. Even double doses of it don't make a difference. I still get upset over something small every day and today I just want to lay down and die.

It's so easy to trigger these emotions.

This time, I think the trigger was Ben. He didn't do anything - rather, I did something that made him act a certain way, which in return has made me sad and insecure. I'm basically worried that he's mad at me because I didn't sleep over last night like I said I would.

And now he won't answer my texts.

I know it's silly to think he's doing that on purpose. He's at work. He's probably just busy. But my brain is making it up into a situation where he's avoiding me.

I hope he's not mad. We're going to Massachusetts this weekend. I don't want my one decision to ruin our trip. A small decision like that shouldn't even bring about this much pain.

Ugh. I want to quit life.

Senior year has started.

Since when am I a senior in college? This entire idea is absolutely mind-blowing for me. The CDC (Career Development Center) sent out a message to all the BU seniors saying, "Graduation is nine months away - start your job hunt now!"

UH WUT. NYUUUU REAL LIFE LAWLZ.

Except no lawlz. Not real ones. Only sarcastic, ironic, semi-terrified lawlz allowed in this subject.

I've been so eager for so long to be done with school and branch out on my own. The past few days, Ben and I have been talking about looking at places to rent for when I graduate in June. I'm thrilled about all this happening and there is no way I want to stay in school longer, but it's still bizarre that everything will change so drastically come May.

I'll officially be an adult. Like, a real one. With a 9-5 (I hope) and stuff.

And I'll be living with my boyfriend.

Omfg, forget this rant. I just got wicked excited to graduate. :D :D

Everything is so near.

Graduation is less than nine months away. This fact is mind-boggling for me.

The fall semester starts up again this coming Monday, the 30th. The last six months of this year will contain my last fall semester as an undergrad, my last fall in Binghamton, my last Christmas with my friends here, and my 22nd birthday.

I'm having a small age crisis, even though I once said that I never get them.

I have to start looking for a real job soon and I need to try and figure out what exactly I want to do after graduation. Do I really want to accrue more debt in grad school? Do I want to try my hand at living in the real world for a while?

Who knows.

Average people SUCK.

The only thing I think I hate more than an average, 8-4 job is the average person that works it. Fortunately for Ben and I, we have one of these startlingly average people living right beneath us, in the apartment below. Whenever she thinks we use too much water, she bangs on the wall. When she thinks we're too loud, she bangs on the wall. When she can hear just the tiniest bit of the TV or our laughter, she bangs on the wall.

And yet when we see her outside the apartment and try to remain pleasant, this middle-aged woman literally runs away from us. She ACTUALLY books ass.

I've been stomping around the apartment all night just to piss her off. Ben asked me to stop, so I did (because it's his place), but you can bet if I was paying half the rent for this apartment, I'd damn well keep doing it.

Stupid average bitch. I hope she gets no sleep tonight.

A new poem and other thoughtless junk.

Whenever I get really upset, and I mean fumingly angry or meltingly sad, I find that I always end up at Barnes & Noble, shopping for a new journal. I can't tell you how many journals I've bought over the years or how many of them are only half used, but anytime I think I'm suffering through a weird emotional crisis, I go and buy a totally blank book. Somehow, the knowledge that this book is empty and that I can fill it with completely new things is comforting to me, more so than any person usually is.

I bought a new journal today. For some reason, I've been extremely drawn to books made of recycled paper. I think I like the way the pages feel soft between my fingers and under my pen. It's like writing on a down comforter, if you could.

I went to Rec Park in Binghamton today with the intention of writing in my new journal but got there only to discover I had no pen in my purse.

Which is strange because I always have a pen in my purse, but whatever.

I don't think it was quite time to write in that journal just then. I think the time for that happened half an hour ago, but I chose another journal on my bookshelf because I didn't feel like going downstairs to get the new one.

Maybe tomorrow will be an ample day for christening a new journal.

In any event, here's the new poem, I cannot sleep.

I cannot sleep.

A heavy weight sits on my chest

And my heart is too full for sleep.

My heart is full but breaking -

Brimming and cracking and swelling and burning

With a thousand things I have yet to say

And a million things I should not feel.

I am governed by my heart these days.

My mind is lost to me.

Has been.

It was never really mine to start but I let the delusions live.

My mind is lost to me.

That realization is heartbreaking.

Tonight I cannot sleep.

My heart is too full for such things

And my mind far too unbound.

I just wanted one thing on my day off.

I wanted to play Warcraft.

But Blizzard is doing maintenance, so I can't get online.

Balls!

My boyfrann is teh amazingsauce.

He gave me his extra copy of Windows Vista so I could reformat my big laptop.

Now it works like magic! :D

(If you couldn't tell, things between us are much much better. We have an understanding.)

Tomorrow, I have to install everything back my compopter.

What an undertaking. DX

For the record.

Porn is awesome.

That is all.

Shocking update: I'm a little upset.

Aubrey is going to Ren Fest this Sunday and I really want to go but I can't because I am not fortunate like she is and I have to work weekends.

Also, I think it kind of sucks that she's going with two people who would have her switch her entire life around to meet their scheduling requirements.

It's none of my business, I know.

Still, it sucks.

Should I stay or go?

How can you honestly decide to stay with someone when all you seem to do is fight? How do you make the decision between riding it out with the hope that things will get better or just cutting your losses now?

The boyfriend and I have been going through some tough times lately. Things here and there have bothered me and I see now that something new seems to crop up within two days. We took off on a spontaneous vacation to Atlantic City last week and I really thought that would put some spring in my step, but I'm right back where I was to begin with. He's settling into a routine with me, which should be good because that means he's comfortable, but I can't stand it.

I can't stand the monotony of knowing what will happen tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. It's killing me.

Ben's angry with me a lot of the time because my worries about the monotony in our relationship are making him feel... inadequate, I guess. That he's not exciting enough for me, or spontaneous enough. I want to say that that's not it, that I'm just losing my mind, but I think he's partially right. He's not one to just get up and go at a moment's notice - he's the kind to get a hold of people, make a night of it, and then return to the same old the next day.

There's nothing wrong with that, I just don't know if we're as compatible as I thought. I don't know if I'm ready to give up my spontaneity for the monotony of a comfortable relationship.

Ben made the point that we do things every now and then to break the routine - like going to Atlantic City or spending a weekend at his sister's house in Massachusetts - but it's not enough. I think our age difference is really starting to come into play. He's not old by any means, but he's of that age where he wants the comfort of the same thing every day. He wants the assuredness of coming home to dinner and girlfriend.

Meanwhile, I want the un-assuredness of adventure and life.

I want to do things in the heat of the moment simply because I am young and I can, and I don't have to plan anything just yet.

I want to just live and do something different everyday, and I don't think Ben wants that.

I'm allowed to be alone.

Right?

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you never have alone time again, does it?

Because I'm so used to being alone.

:(

Blargh.

I am not having fun right now.

Just saying.

So, uhh... I took a random trip to Atlantic City?

So I am currently in Atlantic City, staying in the Tropicana Casino and Resort Hotel. I'm supposed to work tomorrow but I called off. Ben was supposed to work today but he called off. I've had great sex twice in the span of six hours, I've had two delightful meals, and I won $60 on the slots. I am about to go see Inception at my first IMAX theater ever, which is located INSIDE MY HOTEL.


There's a great story behind all of this, I swear. :D

Okay, so on Sunday my roommate Shannon came to Binghamton for an interview at our local Staples. She works at a Staples back on Long Island and has been looking to come back to Bing a few weeks early, so she put in for a transfer and was interviewed Monday. Her little brother was also going to drive through Binghamton on Sunday as he headed to Buffalo for orientation (aw, freshman!), so Shannon just came up with him. Since Shannon was coming to stay for a few days, I decided to spend some time at my house and took a few of my things back there for a few days. Sunday night, Ben came over, we cooked seafood alfredo for Shannon and Sean (brother), then Ben helped us set up our internet router so Shannon and I could play Warcraft.


The point to all of this is that Ben wanted to work on his resume that night, which I agreed to help him with, but I got wrapped up in Warcraft and he decided to go home to work on his resume. He wasn't upset, he just wanted to get something on it done.


I, however, was upset that he left because he doesn't spend a lot of time at my house (less than 5%, I'd say) and I thought he was leaving because he didn't want to be there.


Enter big ridiculous fight.


The details about it are too complicated to relay, but we basically ended up not speaking to each other for about twelve hours and not seeing each other for a day, which agitated us both. Yesterday, I asked Ben to meet me at Cyber Cafe so we could talk about what was going on and so I could voice some concerns I had about our communication issues.


Throughout the course of our conversation, we both came to the conclusion that we needed to call off work for a few days and get out of Binghamton. Ben hasn't been out of Bing in over a month and neither have I - it's driven us both insane. So we planned on either going to my parents' house for a couple days or up to Massachusetts to see his sister, Roz. We didn't know how we'd pick between them until Ben had a wonderful idea.


He looked up hotels for Atlantic City.


In the space of three hours, Ben and I had booked a room at the Tropicana, eaten dinner, packed, and taken off on a completely unplanned two day vacation.


It's really the best idea he's ever had. :D


We've spent the entire day here relaxing - we woke up at noon, lay in bed, had some great food, went to the beach, and now we're seeing a movie. We've got the entire day tomorrow, too, even though we have to check out of the hotel by 11 a.m.


I am having so much fun. This is exactly what he and I needed.

Wow.

If I could roundhouse kick my boyfriend in the face, I definitely would right now.

Whoever said girls are bitches was wrong. BOYS are bitches. They have bigger vaginas than any woman could ever lay claim to.

I suppose the real update will come later, after I have a talk with Ben. Who knows - I might be single again after 3 o'clock.

Boys are stupid.

I'm switching to Blogger because I stupidly made the mistake of letting my boyfriend bookmark my Livejournal blog.

I need somewhere to vent and I can't do it comfortably when he's practically reading over my shoulder. His reading my Livejournal has already led to one problem - I'm trying to keep it from leading to another.

Anyway, if you're interested in old posts, you can find them here. Other than that, consider me moved!